But For Real: Growing Makes Me Feel Guilty When Others Aren’t
I feel a heart-to-heart coming on.
You know what I’m currently struggling with?
Slowly but surely I have seen little promises from God that he’s got me. After moving to Vegas, I began to overcome insecurities that have kept me raggedy. I’m not making the same mistakes I used to (new mistakes, who dis). And although I’m not where I want to be, I can finally see who I’m becoming.
And it makes me uncomfortable.
Because while I’m excited for the BIG experiences I’ve been praying for, I’ve felt guilty for sharing my accomplishments. While watching others continue to struggle with the same bad decisions or hear them complain about their life, I steady question if I should be stuck too.
Should my life be in shambles? Should I just give up and live like everyone else?
My internal tug-o-war has convinced me to hold back to make others feel comfortable about playing small. And it’s silly AF.
Where did this start?
Since pigtail days, I was always teased for not quite fitting in. Cousins would make fun of me for being educated. I was often called Oreo (you know, black on the outside but white on the inside). I HATED being called an Oreo. Hands were thrown every. single. time.
But as much as I tried to fit in, I never could. It was annoying. I barely put effort in school but still managed to be in honors classes. I tried to wear certain clothes with my tits all out but would end up changing. I was pressured into smoking weed once and felt so uncomfortable that I never picked it up again (don’t read that mom).
**Disclaimer: If you want to have your tits out and smoke, I’m not judging. It just isn’t my ministry.
My life’s mission was to prove to others that I was about that life. That I could be cool like them. But God was calling me to be myself and it’s something I still struggle with daily.
I need you to know that you are set apart.
When we don’t quite fit in, it makes us super insecure. I question God all the time actually.
Why can’t I just be like everyone else and be cool with it? I want to pop it for pimp too. I want to live an ordinary and safe life, God. I hate taking chances, do I really have to try?
But that isn’t what we were created to do. So when people start to talk down on our growth, we usually run to what’s comfortable – not taking risks at all.
STOP feeling guilty for growing.
Not everyone is meant to go with you as you continue to win. We have to accept that it’s okay to be alone for a little while.
It hurts to leave behind all we’ve ever known for the visions of our heart. But playing into other’s expectations of you will never allow you to fully explore all that you can be.
Elevation requires separation.
This road is SO lonely, ya’ll. People you’ve had all this history with will start to act like strangers because they won’t get it. But don’t ever feel guilty for growing into who God told you you would be. You can’t blame yourself because others choose to stay piss poor. And you sure can’t blame yourself because others won’t let go of who you were 10 years ago. You’re changing and it’s totally okay.
[I wrote about why being alone is actually great here]
I have plenty of up and down days but I am learning to not apologize when God is working in my life.
It’s not a malicious brag. You don’t think you’re better than anyone. And if your wins make people that uncomfortable then they can politely watch on the sidelines. (That’s where they need to be anyway)
Moral of the story is – do you boo. You will inspire people with how you are changing, overcoming struggles and being blessed for your persistence. With your hot mess, struggling self, you got this. WE got this.